Went to worship God and spend some time with him today… feeling out of sorts… like a messy desk that I can’t get organized, full of screaming needs and tasks to get done.  I could not get a handle on things and felt I needed time with him… usually I spend some time in worship , prayer and the word… I could not remember a single worship song!….Humm … This caused great distress, and many prayers… I find that it’s in these times I know God is taking me into some new dark room where I’ll have no choice but to depend on him.  Needless to say I bang my shins and scrape my knees on every unseen piece of furniture along the way!  It’s in these times that I find I experience the depth and breadth of God.  HE JUST WONT STAY IN THE BOX I PUT HIM IN! It’s always good and enlightening when I’m out the other side looking back… but while I’m in it…. I just hold on for the ride and make more time to be with him.

I can remember some great times as a kid playing guns.  Throw on my dads old camo.  Grab any stick the shape of a gun, along with a few pine cone grenades ( a big no no at my sons school by the way who knew, we do now!) and run out to the old fort.  Soon friends would gather, the enemy would attack.  Eventually  ammo would run low and the air would ring with phrases like “fire in the hole, contact left, sniper in the open, and MEDIC!”  Well I have to admit its still fun today its called paintball people!  don’t be a hater!

This got me to thinking about the purpose of camo….. to blend in of course.  To not stand out to enemy fire!  Humm……  I have camo….. do I blend in???   Do I put on my camo with the people around me?  As a christian do I hide from enemy fire?  what does that say about my theology (belief about who God is)?

^“If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.  Remember the words I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.  If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.   They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me.”

Jesus to his disciples

Hummm…. Lord Let me make decisions about what I say and do that come from following you in faith… let me honor you first, trusting my relationships, and reputation, to you.

What about you all?  Is it just me?  Do you have camo?   What do you think that your camo says about God?

Recently all us crazy Jr. High youth workers had our annual “mall hunt” event .  This is where we (youth leaders) dress up in costume while kids in chaperoned teams try to find us .  Kind of a living “wheres waldo” thing (my wife refused to kiss me like this by the way… cant understand why… maybe she is not into older men).

It got me to thinking (don’t laugh that’s not funny I WAS  thinking!).  This was my disguise but it was me.  No fake hair, no fake mustache, actually me.  So is it a disguise if its me?  Why didn’t people recognize me?  IT’S STILL ME PEOPLE!  Then it hit me.  We all put on an image of who we think we are… or who we want people to see.  We all wear a “face” maybe multiple faces.  We have work faces, party faces, extended family faces, school faces (ever look at your old year book?) dare i say CHURCH FACES?  Is this just a matter of being comfortable in my own skin?  do I put on faces to hide sin?  Hide from consequences?  Is this a matter if integrity?  What are your thoughts?  What faces do people put on?  When and why do we do it?  Is it all bad? Are there times we need to put on face?  Makes me ponder.

There are certainly times in life one looks back and says.. “oops definitely thought i had that one”.  This is one of those times.  It was the day after Christmas I go into my wife’s closet to put  away a stack of freshly washed clothes.  What do I find in there?  Nothing less that a big box with the words “ROCK BAND 2″ on it.  Now here is the deal, it was a month prior that Jenn and I had discussed the purchase of said item. And I quote “Jenn we will never use that, what a waste, don’t get it”.   I return from finding this box of utter stupidity, and did what any good husband would do.  I reminded my wife of my previous wisdom and intellect with profound words like ” come on were 36 years old”, “how many 36 year old people do you know who play rock band?”  Well the next day was family Christmas, my mom, brother, sister in-law and nephew come over.  What do you think we did?….  ROCK BAND!   For 5 hours…. Then New Years with the Quinneys and Cadys… you got it ….ROCK BAND!  Post new year annual breakfast with the Lows, Harters, and Riddles (all over 35 by the way) ……yep ROCK BAND!   Last but not least, what do you think my wife wants to do after  a 12 hour shift at the E.D. saving lives and drawing blood… movie, cuddle, … nope ROCK BAND!  I have to admin it is  a ton of fun rocking out with my wife and best friend.  What can I say…..sweetie when I’m wrong I’m WRONG!  ROCK ON!

Am I the only one who thinks getting in shape kinda stinks? I have neglected my self for about three years… No exercise and terrible eating habits (eating late is the bain of my belly).  However, recently my wife and I have a challenge to each other…. who will do better in an Olympic distance triathlon!  Uh Oh … my wife did a half marathon not too long ago… that’s trouble!  It Has taken me  a month just to get to the point of  a slow jog, my shins have been killing me.

But I must say that I’m feeling stronger and its not quite so terrible, I’m actually pretty motivated.  It’s fun to see the work pay off.  It got me to thinking… Why is it that discipline begets more discipline, where self indulgence just makes me more self indulgent?  Denying my self has made me more aware of just how much my walk with God requires self denial.  The question of “why”  has led me to this conclusion…  Self denial requires faith, self indulgence not so much!  What about you?  Is God asking for a little self denial?  What is that producing in you?  Is it drawing you to him?  Are you at the painful beginning or the joyful fruit bearing stage?  love to hear your thoughts!

I wonder if we can ever fully grasp Gods mercy.  For me it began as in idea, a theoretical knowledge of a quality of God.  A trite personal practice that I exhibit when some one wrongs me…. my definition of mercy was seriously lacking.

Perhaps a true understanding of Mercy comes with age, experience, maybe the experience of things that you would never ask for.  This is true for me.  My journey of mercy has take a turn to deeper water.  In the last few years I have had  a handful of personal experiences that quite frankly I would have liked to be blissfully ignorant, walking around in my happy bubble of ignorance.

Most recently I woke up from a dead sleep having had a profound ( God forbid prophetic) night mare.  Upon waking I was confronted with a personal reality so profound, an inescapable truth so heart breaking, I wept.  Not the few tears down the cheek, but heart broken weeping.  The powerlessness of my newly gain perspective, threatened to snatch my heart, my will.  And so in this moment, like a few others over the last few years, I fell to my knees, having reached yet again the end of myself, begging for God’s mercy.  “Im so sorry Lord, please spare me from this Lord, let it not be too little too late…”

Powerless to change the current reality, begging for Mercy from the one who has all power and is Merciful…

Maybe some of you know the feeling… have prayed such a prayer once or many times… I will be praying this week for you too… Im sure Im not alone… “God please have mercy”

I have to tell you it has been an amazing season already!  Weather in Jr. High, Sr. High or College.  It seems like God is blessing boldness (2nd Timothy 1:6-8).  How did I ever forget that as we boldly proclaim the gospel of Christ, his Spirit has prepared those to react accordingly.  To some it is the stench of death to others the aroma of life (2nd Corinthians 2:14-16)!  Thank God that we are seeing students respond to the living Christ by repentance, and devotion!  My hope and prayer is that his people continue to boldly proclaim the risen Jesus and the redemption that come though him alone (John 14:6)!  Please pray with me as I’m sure that the evil one will begin his attacks any day!

“God prepare these young people of yours to fight the coming battle in your power and for your Glory.  Lord please do mighty things in and through these students, calling a generation to yourself!”

Recently I discovered ( with the help of the amazing Tim Golden leader of our IT team) that I have some sort of Super Terminator Virus, attacking my computer!  And I quote “Oh look its disguising itself as something else…. that’s not good”.  I was dumb founded as I watched Tim unload his arsenal of virus killing weapons (W.M.V.D.’s).

On one level it was pretty cool to see Tim unravel the devious mystery behind the destructive binary megalith.  On the other hand I can’t get past the images that the language produces…. Trojan?… (s.t.d.’s)? …. Worms? … as in yuck! Infected with worms (I had those once as a kid, not cool!)  Virus?...as in in need of an antibiotic?  You know Virus’s.  We recognize them by their symptoms.  Take the common cold.  We treat symptoms rather than attacking the source, which often masks itself as remain ever illusive!

I was thinking that this is just like SIN! We as Christian’s (I’m certainly no exception) often treat the symptoms.  “I’ll Stop doing ____________ ( you fill in the blank, unless of course you find your life devoid of sin).  ” I’ll Start doing  ____________” (I know ill just will my sin away with the power of my great strength of mind).  Just like a virus some time we need more that what we posses to deal with the root of our sin.

Yet how often do we go to the great physician and ask ” Lord show me the hidden source of my sin, Jesus change my heart, heal me from my history, from which this sin flows” I certainly see this in my life as well as students lives all the time.  We get into behavior modification, and on the out side look like pretty little Christians.  Most of us know better.

When we look in the mirror there is no hiding.  The person looking back at us reveals the truth.  People we live with, and who know us, they see it too.  There is no running from sin.  We fool ourselves into thinking that we can hide it….. but it always comes to light!  One of my favorite sayings is from our beloved DR. Wiswell. (be sure to comment on his blog by the way) “Why do we wait till life is all over the road in bits and pieces before we change?” Our sin always finds us out!

” Jesus be my vaccine, shine your revealing light into the cracks of my life. show me the depths of my depravity.  Heal my heart and sanctify me from the inside out as I wrestle with you over my past.  Help me not to put on the pretty Christian exterior, while inside I’m kidding myself and running from you and the soul work that you have called me to.”

Feeling Groggy?  Sluggish? Need a Jolt?  Is it raining? Chilly? Ahhh Smell that?  COFFEE!!!!  Love it!  It picks me up when I’m down.  Gives me that boost, when its 3:00, and I’m dragging!  It has that oh so unique invigorating aroma!  That warm cup in the hand, on a rainy day feel!  Just like Jesus!  he is my pick me up when I’m down. My refreshment, My go to, My much needed comfort, when life gets rainy, HE is My addiction! Join me for a cup of coffee, a cup of Christ.

Am I the only one who hates change?  I mean almost all kinds of change.  Pocket change, change of routine, change of lanes, change of times, change.  Most of all personal change!  Its hard, one step forward two steps back before you realize “that was a chance to change and I missed it again”!  Funny though there is one change that I’m pretty happy about.  Jesus Change!  its called transformation, sanctification, justification, from sinner to saint, walking dead to child of God, dead in my sin to new creation!  Good thing…. I hate change….. I sure need help from a God that’s all about change.

“God help me never stop changing. I’m sure my life has a never ending reserve of things in need of change and you have never ending ability to change them”